Depression

I remember feeling so excited to hear someone’s TRUE emotions and whatever was going on in their spiritual life when we got to the Bible study session at Church that day. A few of us had joined this intense form of 'psychotherapy' with a visitor from another church, it was a Bible study like none other and who knew it would change my life forever? Every session consisted of the passing of a sackcloth bag filled with different colored marbles. There was only ONE WHITE marble amongst all the others. Before each session we prayed for God’s magnificent power to rain upon us. The visiting speaker, Molly, said that this day had been planned by God from the beginning of time. And whomever in the lottery, as I called it, got the WHITE marble that person was the CHOSEN one to come up front and sit in front of Molly and bring out whatever had been kept deep inside. This was God’s way of liberating those chosen, week after week.

The room was cold that day and every one of my friends was there. It was my way of supporting friends that brought me there in the first place. It was never meant to be a reflection on my own life. I had accepted Jesus as my Savior years ago and really didn’t feel like anything was wrong in my life. As the sackcloth bag was passed around like an offering tray, I mumbled and giggled with those sitting next to me. I got hold of the bag and reached in to get my pretty marble, I didn’t even think of looking at the color. Surely I’d get another pretty color as many times before. When I took a glance at my marble, I screeched inside and felt a wave of heat go through my entire body finally landing in my heart. THE WHITE MARBLE! Oh Lord, it’s a mistake! I looked at the sackcloth bag making its way down the aisle and felt a rush of emotion at the thought of the wasted energy that everyone was going through by picking their own marbles, afterall I was the one with the doomed future. Finally everything became quiet and everyone started looking around because everyone had gotten a marble without having chosen the white one. Molly was sitting up front on stage and looked around at all the faces with those almost psychic eyes. She knew! I finally got the courage and stood up, “I have the white marble. I guess it’s my turn.”

When she began asking me questions it was as if Jesus was reminding me of those dark times in my life long ago. I had buried them so deep inside that I didn’t even remember anything until that moment. Little by little everything came out. The years I spent in depression as a child and throughout my early teens was revealed. I felt as if I were walking naked parading in front of everyone so they may see and criticize all the imperfections I had covered up. I remember crying and feeling that Jesus was truly liberating me of all those lies the devil had gruesomely fed me. I believed I was worthless, ugly and unimportant. I believed I would never amount to anything. I believed I had to do things with friends just so they’d like me or so I’d become more popular. Feelings of jealousy and envy dominated my alone time. Nobody knew what I was going through. Outside all my elementary school friends thought I was just ‘Funny Elizabeth’. But inside I was battling my own lonesome fight against the massive beast I called suicide and depression. Not even those closest to me like my own mother and father knew what I was enduring. As I closed my eyes and pressed the tears out, the image of myself in my room as a child with the door closed was so clear and vivid. I use to sit in front of a mirror wishing I was gone. I asked God one too many times why I had to hurt so much. Not ever realizing that He was there, gathering all my tears into his heart and magnanimous throne.

That day at Bible study, I realized I was not alone. Never alone. I learned that depression was an evil and selfish lie. I learned to look at others with love and not envy or jealousy. I learned to look into the eyes of a complete stranger and recognize the cry for help that I had had at one time. I learned to notice when others needed Christ’s everlasting love. I learned compassion and joy and mercy. You do matter. You matter to so many people. I believe God puts certain people in your life for the sole purpose of lifting each other up even if it’s just for a moment in time. But you always matter and have purpose. I learned to look outside the world of Lizzy and finally saw so many out there in need of love. Through God’s mercy we can help eachother become Godly people so that His perfect will may be done through us. It was then that I was finally liberated.

"My soul, wait silently for God alone, For my expectation is from Him. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory; The rock of my strength, And my refuge, is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; Pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Psalms 62:5-8

"The Lord God has given Me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him who is weary. He awakens Me morning by morning, He awakens My ear to hear as the learned." Isaiah 50:4